Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
Not sure if he was actually hot or hot in a "he brought a live chicken to the party" kinda way but I got his # regardless
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Got with someone dressed up as Allen from the hangover so that's where I'm at in life
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
The only joy I have here is being able to shit with the door open.
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Randomize
