My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
I just found her phone in the quesadilla maker...
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
My birthday was already very memorable but her punching me in the face put it over the top. I love being 25 and still not giving a fuck.
Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.
I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You kept screaming, "Fuck her right in the personality" and then kissed a guy and slapped him across the face
Randomize
