Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?
Only if they know about it too.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
8$ liquor pitchers. I'm gonna wear two or three pairs of underwear so when drunk me takes them off there'll still be a pair on.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
