youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
im calling her cock vulture from now on
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
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