Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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