you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
This night could easily degenerate into a drunken haze of strippers and gambling, but I need a support network.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
their motto was "the first one to get arrested wins" so of course today was interesting
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