dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
I could definitely fill a shot glass w my cum
please don't
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
After we finished, she peed a little on my chest and told me she was "marking her territory". I didn't know if I should have been scared or aroused.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
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