Would it be weird if I brought slabs of bacon with me to the beach?
Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
What are best friends for?
Picking your clothes up from a one night stand you had nearly 2 months ago
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
