i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
It was 5 a.m. and we found him making margaritas with nyquil...
she tried strangling devon with the garden hose. pretty sure they're broken up
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
i'm gonna fuck his crew, i'm gonna wax my asshole. i'm gonna make them all cry tears of sex joy then move to colorado.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
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