I just walked into a tree. I think it's time to go home.
I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
You threw a beachball full of vodka at me and yelled I CHOOSE YOU then ran
Just puked most of my soul out..
Randomize
