Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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