I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
Randomize
