She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just found a picture of me licking the bouncers ear last night
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
