OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Who wears a wallet chain?!
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
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