Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.
you should probably quit with the whole "no homo" thing, especially when you are drunk, "mo homo"gives the wrong impression.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Well, our assistant supervisor caught us on the back stairs...he invited us on a double date with his fiance and him. I guess our job approves of the relationship?
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
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