The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
well, at the moment I'm sleeping in someone's closet in a buzzlightyear snuggie, so I can't judge,
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
Randomize
