if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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