OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
I've been watching porn with my cat lately. No shame
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
Randomize
