If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
The report specifies "melted cheese food" as the cause of the burns. Your pride, like your cock, isn't getting out of this without heavy damage.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Randomize
