As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
i'm eating chex mix in the shower while texting. i feel accomplished.
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