Someone will be leaving this trip either pregnant or devastated.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
Holy sore nipples Batman
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Better not shit yourself at the gym.
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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