I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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