I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
