Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i don't plan on having that self control this summer
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
Just woke up. Naked. Under an animal pelt. With a girl. I've never met her. She's pretty naked too.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Randomize
