from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
u kept repeating to itself "hot cheetos and nacho cheese sauce.."
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
What a weekend. It started with me realizing i might not be straight and ended with me spraining my foot.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
