Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I want her autograph on my taint
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Randomize
