I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
So it was all good until she started grabbing my beard and telling me to "roar little lion"
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Randomize
