I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
NOT PREGNANT according to the two dollar tree pregnancy tests I took in the tacobell bathroom. Come meet me at tacobell for celebratory soft tacos.
Randomize
