Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I want to get laid tonight but my sheets haven't been washed since vomiting in them on Halloween :(
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up
This morning I proved to myself and all the kids on the playground that I can't puke and drive.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
The 9th floor RA wants to know why we stacked 21 cinder blocks in the shower, and I can't remember. Do you?
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
