I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I just busted my piggy bank to afford McDonald's. This is my personal cry for help.
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Harry Potter pub crawl tonight. You know you're living your life right when your check list for the evening is wizard robes, wand and acid.
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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