This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
No i dont need Magnum Condoms, that would be like putting MC Hammer pants on my dick
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
Hot Damn Cinnamon Schnapps make me feel like the sun is punching me in the face and a bear is sleeping inside me.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
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