Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
I just looked down and realized I was walking around in briefs and a ninja turtle shirt; and for a second, I thought I was 8 again... Weird...
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
my ex logged me out of his netflix so im gonna fuck his bestfriend as revenge
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
