I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.
The funny thing is, we kinda did bring guys home cause you had a fort...
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
Randomize
