This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Well it's been 24 hours and I still feel like a mammoth sat on my balls
Is it really road head if took place on kayaks in the river?
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Pretty good. They took the stitches out but it still hurts like a bitch. The doctor says I should be off crutches by next week.
Well, that's good. Let's hope drunk you doesn't sabotage you.
i do my most serious thinking while screwing her. ive pondered everything from quantum physics to the life cycle of a badger. if i keep this up ill have a phd in no time.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
