i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Randomize
