a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
Church boner. Awkwardddd
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
Soo are you just gonna poop in my bathtub and not talk to me anymore...?
Randomize
