I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Floor bacon is actually really good
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
