Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
First date: that requires underwear, huh?
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
Randomize
