I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Lets watch game of thrones and have sex every time someone is naked. It'll be like a drinking game but better.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
Randomize
