I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook
I need to get the stench of sex and broken dreams out of my room
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
First morning at school this semester and I threw up in a bush during my walk of shame.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
