i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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