Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
The guy I wanted to make out with just got beat up, let's roll.
I consented to having my finger branded. How was your night?
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
So I deleted all the text from my phone, was looking for my mom's coffee order and show the coffee guy the pic of me eating pussy.
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Typically a man doesn't buy a woman a drink in hopes of her laughing at his penis, but no one said I was normal.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
What's a professional way to say get your shit in gear?
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
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