I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
It's not even like I care. He was cute 30lbs ago and before he fucked that Michael Jackson look alike.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
Are you ok?
They gave me a cat until I fall asleep. His name is fluffy because he's fluffy.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I wonder if my sister will drive me around while I do bong hits in the back seat..
I'm not even 100% sure what it is, but if it involves Thor and Doritos, I'm in
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
