'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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