i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
if you ever get a chance to, fuck in a lecture hall. great acoustics. highly recommend it.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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