Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
I wasn't interested in him...but then he played The Office theme song on acoustic guitar. I'm sorry.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
Do you know how hard it is to put a bandaid on a vagina?
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
