I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.
I don't remember much but I think I'm wearing your underwear, and for that, I am extremely grateful.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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