Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
Jen's arm is stuck between a wall and her bed. She's naked and needs someone to go help her.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
Randomize
