remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
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