come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
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