Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
The only difference is Iv never super glued straws to your nipples.
Why yes. I did get laid looking like that. My sheets look like there was a clown orgy
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Randomize
